


Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From Harry Potter Fanfic

by aldiara



Series: Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Fandom [1]
Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Blow Jobs, Bring Back The Porn Challenge, Characters Are in Fandom, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Community: bbtp_challenge, Fluff and Smut, Hair-pulling, Hand Jobs, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Silly, Work Contains Fan(s) or Fandom(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 09:51:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7930147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aldiara/pseuds/aldiara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon says, fanfic is an excellent source of research. Bram has questions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From Harry Potter Fanfic

**Author's Note:**

> Fluff? Fluff. Disgusting, sappy fluff. Oh, and an epidemiologist’s advice about practising super-safe blowjobs gets totally ignored :p  
> This was written in a hurry, so it's unbeta'd - please feel free to point out any issues!

It all starts because Bram has questions about cosplay so, you know, don’t blame me.

We’re at my place, in my room, on my bed – I’ve recently invested in two extra locks and some new speakers that turn up really loud, but this time everyone else is actually out of the house, which is nice. (And rare. So rare.)

Bram listens patiently as I explain about fandom in general and cosplay in particular and scramble around for a character I could use as an example without going for anything too obvious. Bram promptly renders that point moot when he helpfully supplies, “Right, like, so, you could be Harry Potter? Kinda. If your hair was black. And if your eyes were green.”

“If I looked completely different, in other words.”

He laughs. “No, I mean – you’ve got the messy hair thing going, and the glasses. And you’re skinny, and short.”

“Not that short!”

He grins and squints at me, kinda sideways and sweet. “Short enough. So, if you used one of those wash-out hair dye things and wore a black robe, you could totally-“

I sit up suddenly. “Oh my god, that’s brilliant. That’s _brilliant_!”

“What?” Bram asks, and he looks alarmed. “What?”

I laugh and lean down and kiss him. “I have just had _the_ best idea for next Halloween, and I’m sorry, but there is no way I’m letting you get stuck at home again, because we are going to be super-embarrassing and do a coupley dress-up thing!”

I can see he’s starting to get it. His eyebrows go way up. “You’re going to do Harry Potter? Weren’t you a Dementor last year?” 

“Yes!” I crow, and I can’t help it, I kiss him again. “Yes, but this is better! It’s going to be awesome, because _you_ are going to help!”

He’s starting to smile at me, although he’s still looking a bit confused. “Okay, but _please_ don’t tell me you’re going to turn me into Draco Malfoy. Because then I’m gonna have to tell you that I won’t do bleach, even for you.”

I roll my eyes. “Of course not! You’re gonna be Blaise Zabini.”

Bram frowns. “Blaise Zabini? But… but he and Harry… I thought-”

“We’ll be a rarepair. Don’t worry, it’ll totally work.”

“A rare what now?”

“A rarepair! You know, not one of the big name pairings. I’m sure there’s Harry/Blaise fic out there. I’ll look it up. For, uhm, research.”

Bram is shaking his head at me slowly. “Simon, I swear sometimes I have no idea what comes out of your mouth.”

But he’s still smiling and he keeps staring at said mouth, so I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mind. 

“Uhm,” he says a few moments later, mid-kiss. “Blaise Zabini is really hot, though.”

I pull back far enough to stare at him and figure out if he’s fishing. Nope. He’s avoiding my eyes and looking self-conscious. It’s really cute, but what is he even like. “Oh my _god_ , you are unbelievable!” I tell him exasperatedly, because he seriously is. “ _You_ are freaking hot, you moron! Harry should be so lucky!”

He blinks and opens his mouth, probably to protest again, so I shut it for him, and then neither one of us says anything for a while, and the next time he gets enough air to talk, we’re a lot more horizontal and a lot less dressed.

“Okay, so, cosplay – I get it, I think,” he murmurs, carding his fingers through my hair. (He loves doing that. I love him doing it. It makes my scalp all shivery. It’s amazing how many nerve endings I’ve got in my freaking scalp, apparently.) “Kinda like Halloween, just more…fandom-specific? And cooler costumes.” I make an affirmative noise against the side of his jaw, kissing my way to his ear. He clears his throat. “The fanfic, though?”

I hide my face against his neck and burst out laughing. “Oh god. You’re never gonna let that go, are you?” I slide a leg between his thighs, hoping to distract him. I’m still wearing my jeans, but he’s in briefs, and I can hear his breath hitch when the denim slides over the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. I can feel how hard he is already. It still makes me feel a little dizzy every time – dizzy, and stupidly proud, that _I’m_ the one doing this to him. 

He’s not giving up, though. Persistence, thy name is Bram Greenfeld. “Well, no. I mean, I’m just curious. Have you ever written any yourself?”

“Not yet,” I murmur, kissing a trail down the side of his neck. He shivers. “But it’s been… you know…” I nip at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, then mouth at his collar bone. “…super-useful.”

Bram’s hands are sliding over my bare shoulders, down my arms, back up, restlessly, until I’m all over goosebumps. “You mean… practically useful?”

I’m halfway down his chest now. Kissing his sternum. Opening my mouth over a nipple and just breathing really close to it, until I see it harden and hear him make a noise. 

“Hell yeah. I mean, basically everything I know about sex, I learned from Harry Potter fanfic.”

He laughs at that, even though it sounds a bit strangled, because I’m kind of wriggling on top of him, my leg is still moving between his, and I’m licking at his nipple now. It’s round and hard in my mouth and my jeans are suddenly way too tight. I push against his thigh – he has fantastic thighs, all hard with muscle from soccer – and this time we both make noises at the same time. 

“Really. Everything?”

I don’t know how he’s still asking questions. I grope for an answer, and also for a better purchase on his thigh with my free hand.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I haven’t… tried everything out yet, but…” I’ve been stroking his chest and I close my fingers on his other nipple, pinching just a little. Bram half moans, half laughs. “Oh god. You’re gonna have to read me some of this sex-educational fanfic, I think.”

For some reason, the thought makes me feel hot all over, and not all with embarrassment. I mean, I can picture that. Me, reading him some of my favs, out loud, with words like _cock_ and _harder, please_ and _come for me_ murmured right in his ear. Maybe with my hand on him, or my mouth – no wait, I’d need my mouth for reading, but…

“Simon?”

I blink up into his face. Bram’s eyes are wide and brown and questioning, but there’s just a little quirk of wickedness to his inquisitive smile. It makes me shiver. He reaches up and cups my jaw between his thumb and fingers, and then his eyes drop to my mouth again. His thumb traces my lower lip. “Do you like that idea?” he asks, softly. Hungrily.

“I…” I’m sure that question relates to something we _just_ talked about but I’m drawing a total blank. All my brainpower has gone south. I’m hard and aching and really, really just want to hump his leg. I lick my lips – not intentionally, but I can see Bram’s eyes darken in response to it.

“Simon,” he says again, with a little hitch to his voice, and his hands are nudging at my shoulders now, kind of urging me further down. 

I don’t need urging, seriously. I drag my lips down his chest and finally against the skin of his abdomen, just above his waistband. Then lower. The bulge in his black briefs is pretty sizable, and I sort of mouth over it, breathing on it through the cotton. I can hear his sharp inhale above me, and his hands slide back into my hair. Not pulling, quite, just digging in.

I want him to pull. I’ve developed some kind of freaking having-my-hair-pulled fetish, I think. This boy is warping me in new and amazing ways.

I’ve got my hands around his hips, thumbs smoothing over his hipbones while I press my mouth to the damp cotton. I can feel the shape of him through the thin cloth, hot and amazingly, gorgeously hard. My mouth waters.

I’d love to drag things out but I can tell neither of us has the stamina just now. So instead, I hook a finger under the waistband of his briefs and tug them down, kind of slowly, until his cock bobs free, so close to my cheek that I can feel the heat of it. I turn my head and drag my open lips against the side of it, my tongue not quite out, breathing deliberately deeply. Bram makes a sound low in his throat and I open my mouth a little wider, swiping my tongue against the underside. I can feel him twitch under my mouth and my hips move in response; I press down against his knee, relishing the almost-pain of the friction and pressure while I slide my open mouth up to the tip of his dick, and…

Alright, confession time: Bram’s mom’s Every Time Including Oral rule kind of went out the window early on, because… okay, well, partly because Bram tastes really good and latex doesn’t, _but_ partly also because we did all the research and all the research said it should be fine because there’s only so much risk a couple of monogamous seventeen-year-old recent virgins can carry. (And a tiny bit partly because blowjob rules don’t need to be made up by your boyfriend’s mom, if I’m perfectly honest.)

Anyway, so. I love this part. Really, really, ridiculously love it. The part where I get to put my mouth on him. The part where I lick at him and feel the shudders in his thighs, the tightening of his stomach muscles under my hands. The part where the smell and taste of him are all over me, the insistent press of his cock under my tongue, all sensitive skin and hardness underneath. I lick a broad stripe up the underside, then just sort of wrap my lips around the head and tongue at the slit because I discovered pretty quickly that that drives him crazy. He’s a little wet there and I can taste him. Not gonna lie, it drives me crazy too. I rub myself against his knee again, then open my mouth wider and slide down.

No matter how much fic I’ve read, I haven’t yet figured out how to do the throat thing without gagging, so I use my hands as well, working his base and teasing his balls while I fit as much of him in my mouth as I can and get a rhythm going. He keeps tensing and easing back down under me, his hands clutching in my hair and… yes, there we go with the pulling: a kind of desperate tug he can’t help, dragging me closer against him, his long fingers tangled in my curls. It doesn’t feel restraining or even demanding, exactly, since I know he’d let go the second I actually tried to pull away; it’s more of an anchor, something to let me feel just how much he needs me, perhaps. I can’t even explain. I just really dig it. 

The first thing I learned about blowjobs: They get messy fast. My chin and my hand quickly get slippery with pre-come and saliva. It helps my fingers move more easily, though, so no complaints there. I roll his balls in my other hand, cupping and tugging just lightly, enjoying the feel of them in my palm, all hot and vulnerable. They’re slippery now too, because we’re just dripping everywhere. 

I get a little lost in the rhythm and the taste, and when I look up to gauge how close he is, I startle to find him staring right at me. His lashes are half lowered, but from underneath them, his gaze is very intent on me and I can feel my cheeks getting hot at the thought of what I must look like, with my mouth all swollen and stretched around his cock. I pull back a little and swirl my tongue around the tip once – I’m not sure it comes out looking exactly sexy but I can see his throat moving as he swallows so it can’t be all bad.

“Simon,” he says hoarsely. “Simon, I’m gonna…” He still always warns me, although by now we’ve both figured out I’m not going to pull away. I like doing this. I like tasting him. I like the feeling of him spilling, helplessly, into my mouth. 

He’s about to do it now. I tighten my mouth and look up at him, staring deliberately into his eyes as I hollow my cheeks and suck so hard there isn’t room for anything else, no thought or feeling, just the shape of him in my mouth, the taste of him on my tongue, and the sight of his face, full lips open, breathing hard. I can see his pupils go wide and his teeth digging into his bottom lip before his hips lift convulsively and this time when his fingers dig into my hair, I can tell he’s lost control over the force of it. I don’t care. I only close my eyes when I feel him come, bursting into my mouth, and I swallow to keep up. It’s salty and warm, a little bitter but not in a bad way. I suck again, just to see if he’s done, and he groans as he shoots one more time, then gradually softens in my mouth. I let him slip out gently and nuzzle at the top of his thigh, trying to catch my breath. His skin is incredibly soft there. I’m still hard, desperately so, but it’s sort of taken a backseat to getting him off, to watching his face as he loses it. I’m addicted to that. It’s ridiculous really.

I rest my face against his thigh and close my eyes. My mouth feels a little puffy and I’m sure later on I’ll worry about whether you can see anything but not right now. Right now I’m busy lying on Bram’s soft-skinned, hard-muscled thigh, getting my breath back.

I don’t know how much time has passed when he says my name again, and tugs at my upper arms. Lifting myself up takes a lot of effort but eventually I manage, smiling down at his face. “Hey.”

His lips curve up slightly. “Hey you.” He wraps one hand around my nape and pulls me down for a kiss. It’s long and leisurely and he must be able to taste himself on my tongue. I hum with pleasure and push down against him, trying to get some friction against his hip bone. He breaks the kiss and grins at me lazily. 

“Something you want?” He’s really good at sounding innocent but by now I know him well enough to know he’s not nearly as guileless as I first thought. I growl at him and push, humping shamelessly against his thigh.

“Uhm, you think?”

His teeth flash white as his grin widens. Then the world flips and before I know it, I’m on my back and Bram is above me, which is a really excellent place for him to be, all things considered. Especially with his hands deftly undoing my jeans and shoving them down my thighs. The relief when he drags my boxers off and wraps his hand around my dick is so great that I make a pathetic kind of sobbing noise. It gets swallowed up in Bram’s mouth as he kisses me messily, his tongue hot and insistent in my mouth. He’s palming my cock and it feels incredible, his hand tight and slightly calloused, the thumb swiping over the tip until I whimper.

“Yes… Bram… god, that feels good.” I buck my hips, make a strangled noise when his bare thigh draws up to press against my balls, moving slightly, shifting, rubbing, oh god, all that pressure and heat, I won’t be able to hold out long at all.

Bram seems to sense this isn’t the time for teasing, thank god. He pauses briefly to lick his hand and then he’s jerking me hard and fast, helping along with his thigh pushing up. His other hand is wrapped around my hip, fingers digging into my buttock, half caressing and half just digging in. I thrust into his hand frantically, desperate now to get off.

“Next time,” Bram breathes against my ear, in a voice so low and dark it makes me shiver, “I want to fuck you. Like, really, really –“ his hand tightens and I make a strangled noise – “just… properly… _fuck_ you.” 

The word “fuck” in Bram’s soft, cultured-sounding voice is working some seriously evil mojo on my brain, and also other parts.

“Okay,” I gasp against his neck, because firstly, I’d agree to just about anything right now, but secondly, _hell yes, please._ “I have tons of fic for that.”

He chortles at that, and I would too if I weren’t so busy coming, but as it is, I seriously don’t have any air for laughing. My back arches and my vision blanks and the noises I’m making must be incredibly embarrassing but right now I don’t give a flying fuck. I just jerk my hips into his grip and almost sob when he tightens his hand one last time in a delicious, slick twist. His fingers have gone all wet and slippery. So has his stomach and his chest, Christ, I’ve come _all over_ him. He doesn’t seem to mind at all.

After, when we’ve rolled apart a little and I’m trying to draw air back into my lungs and convince my eyes to open, I can feel him leaning over me on one elbow, brushing my sweaty hair out of my face, really gently.

“So, these fics you mentioned…”

I laugh and pull at him until he topples back on top of me. He feels warm and boneless and perfect. “ _Fine,_ I’ll write you a reclist. Or better yet, do you a podfic.”

“A whatfic?” His voice is muffled against my shoulder.

“…Oh my god. I’ll explain later. When I can, you know, breathe.”

“Sounds good to me?”

“Oh yeah. It will.”


End file.
